This post is mostly for myself to let this off my chest lol
So yeah, I have never been drawing as frequently as I was a few months ago when I made this account, I have NEVER in my life (or at least since I was a really small kid) been able to release art so consistently before and for such prolonged period of time.
I have watched a very interesting video by DougDoug, who was apparently also a creator on Newgrounds once lol, and he told this story of how music was HIS thing but he was never enjoying it or could never get as good at it as people around him and this hit so fucking close to home to me. I tried enjoying making art SO hard, I tried to get good at it even harder, but no matter how hard I tried, my anatomy looks stiff and wonky, my art is unpolished and lazy looking and rushed because I always had to rush it, I had to sweat and work hard to make barely anything of value. And I'm not saying it because my art is "bad" it is not, it's mediocre. It is good enough. I am saying this because what I was making had no value to me, it never brought me joy, it never was something that I ever really enjoyed doing. There are things in making art that I do enjoy (for example I really enjoyed making these two character reference sheets that were my first two posts, and the map but not for art related reasons, more because of the story telling) , and I am not planing on stopping making art, but what I need is a COMPLETELY different approach that better suits who I am and what I feel comfortable with.
To be honest as I'm writing this it is very hard for me still to see where the line is between depression and mental illness and genuine disinterest for me, so I am unsure still how to proceed with this information. I might still try to apply to art college and see how it goes? (I can always explore more options after all).
At the moment even making thumbnails was very uncomfortable to do for my videos, but that might have been because I massively overworked myself with making these in general lol, I released 1 hour videos each 2 times in a span of a week (+ 2 days)
So basically, I WILL be back, but I'm not following any schedule. For the first time in my life, due to fortunate life events, I am able to think clearly about who I am and what I want to do, so I will be doing just that.
It's so weird to just admit to myself that the thing I was doing for 11 years that I wanted to turn into a career never really was for me, at least not in a way that all the other artists are doing it, and how I was forcing myself to do the same stuff because how else do I use art right? If not being an artist.
Meuny
I know that this post is very personal to you, but I think it's interesting that I discuss art with you.
I know, making art gets boring from time to time, and depending on the way you make it, it can end up making you sick of making art faster than normal - or faster than you're normally able to.
Art is not merely about quality or consistency of productivity. There is no rule book that says art should be based on its abstract quality or the constant consistency of its making. I know that for you and for many people, art can mean the demonstration of techniques being successfully executed in a specific work - but honestly, for me, there is no point in using different techniques during the production of a work if there is no longer a genuine passion in making it.
This is my maxim: Art is being and making art is becoming. There's no point in forcing yourself to make a work in one way or another, since that's like forcing yourself to be someone you're not.
An example of this would be if I only made trap beats. That's not me. I'm weird and I like doing weird things.
I don't want to impose my rules or tips on you. The way you should love art should come from you, unfortunately. I realise that there are things outside your relationship with art that may be affecting you negatively. But I ask you from the bottom of my heart to never give up on art, just realise that maybe the kind of drawing you're doing isn't the kind you really want to do. Maybe those rules and moulds you've been imposing on yourself are precisely what have made you stop loving art.
I wish you well, because I know how agonising it is not to love your own art.
Anyways, this has been Meuny.
KontraVersus
Man, that's a very nice message. Thank you for sharing this here
To be honest I always heard people talk about how they can somehow channel making art from their hearts or something like that hahah. I never really understood it, that's the point, but I assume that's how people make stuff like vent art or the more classical examples of art that have more meaning behind them, like Frida Kahlo. Her artwork is like a diary, a channeling of her feelings, something about her art (and the art of many other great artists, not just the classical examples but more modern too) is so much more than how I personally see art. It has always been more for me about giving my ideas life than giving my emotions life, and maybe it's just about me changing perspectives? I am not sure, I tried applying to art colleges before, they wanted someone so passionate about art, I don't know how to be this passionate about it. I made art because I liked it. But there was no meaning to it like how these people wanted to hear, because what I enjoyed about it is giving my ideas life. But it also kinda makes me unable to create pieces that I genuinely want to create, because I just... don't know what I'm doing you know? Like someone who's genuinely passionate about just the act of creating art. I do enjoy the process of it but something about how I make art at the moment is just wrong to me. Maybe I'll figure this out eventually hahah.
There is a chance that I have some unique gift, a path that I will have to create myself because no one has done it before, and there's an equal chance I just never will enjoy making art "seriously". And maybe that's for the better, well, it would be bad for my wallet (I don't have much going on in terms of skills, this is all I ever could do with myself) but to be honest I hate how every single thing I did had to be turned into a long term plan on how to monetise it eventually, because of just how useless I feel, and how unable I am to do most things in life. Everyone else has SOMETHING to fall back onto if one thing doesn't work out, and they won't suffer, maybe they will be a bit disappointed? I always felt like life will be borderline unlivable if I don't monetise my hobbies, and that PROOOBABLY contributed to this feeling of resignation.
This was VERY personal but well, this is just how I feel about my hobbies in general at the moment, nothing I do I can just enjoy, everything has to give me some kind of monetary gain, because I have to survive, at all cost, I must sacrifice myself to survive, and it sucks.