I am still heartbroken and I cry, but I pretty much had her all my life. When my cat became an elder, I was constantly worried about her, because she was sick. I would anxiously observe her breathing, and my heart would stop every time she exhaled for a longer time.

This semester in my college classes we were talking a lot about grief (very much on time since right after this semester ended I am experiencing grief (from a loved one dying) for the first time in my life). And I remember the conflicting feelings we were talking about, the immense heartbreak but also the relief, because she no longer suffers, and I no longer worry every day about her health. These feeling can coexist, they are not in opposition with each other, and there is no shame in feeling relief after a loved one no longer suffers (alongside you no longer having the HUGE responsibility of helping them through their illness).

I feel like I gained a broader understanding of the price of love. And while I would have traded everything to have that responsibility back, and her back with me I understand now the importance of self care even more than I ever have before. I feel like I understand better what you are signing up for when you involve yourself into a commitment with someone or take responsibility for a person/pet. I still would gladly take it, every time over anything, but I have a better understanding of it.