I am still heartbroken and I cry, but I pretty much had her all my life. When my cat became an elder, I was constantly worried about her, because she was sick. I would anxiously observe her breathing, and my heart would stop every time she exhaled for a longer time.

This semester in my college classes we were talking a lot about grief (very much on time since right after this semester ended I am experiencing grief (from a loved one dying) for the first time in my life). And I remember the conflicting feelings we were talking about, the immense heartbreak but also the relief, because she no longer suffers, and I no longer worry every day about her health. These feeling can coexist, they are not in opposition with each other, and there is no shame in feeling relief after a loved one no longer suffers (alongside you no longer having the HUGE responsibility of helping them through their illness).

I feel like I gained a broader understanding of the price of love. And while I would have traded everything to have that responsibility back, and her back with me I understand now the importance of self care even more than I ever have before. I feel like I understand better what you are signing up for when you involve yourself into a commitment with someone or take responsibility for a person/pet. I still would gladly take it, every time over anything, but I have a better understanding of it.

I deleted my social media (the personal ones) because I was just kinda having an episode and panicking that I'm alone in the world now and he called me, and that made me feel way better. Just in general the way everyone responded to me breaking down has made this way easier on me, strangers, acquaintances, friends, I'm glad that even though I have issues forming closer connections I am not alone. And that I wasn't right when I thought that I'm alone now after my cat passed away.

I was able to smile during that stream, and that just helped me a lot.

Also people have been really nice to me it also made me feel better, it all still sucks of course but I'm not completely alone.

It's been almost 24 hours since she got sick. At that hour she was still healthy. I just didn't expect this to happen, I didn't think tomorrow I'd be cremating my cat.

I've been sleeping all day, but I would wake up every few hours, while I slept I felt peaceful but when I wake up I remember what just happened.

Her things are still around the house, her food is still in hr bowl, my mom wrapped it in plastic.

her heart stopped. shes dead.

We had to drive her to a 24h clinic because she was in a REALLY bad state. It turned out her body temperature was dangerously low and of course she was completely dehydrated and exhausted.

I will probably be getting a job in fast food again to afford her treatment because frankly I'm too depressed to turn art into something I can make money off of.

I am REALLY COUNTING she will survive, she's 14 already so it's already a blessing she's been with me for so long. But if there's a chance I'm gonna bleed myself out just to save her. I really don't care any more. She's the only good thing that I ever had in my entire life.

She's been having stomach issues for a while, but tonight it was awful.

I was literally shaking, just in general felt really bad myself so I called my friend and idk, he just made jokes that kinda got to me and I feel so fucking bad about it.

She's my friend. I want her to be okay. Why am I so alone in all of this always.

To be clear I know him, he's got a specific way of dealing with problems, I don't blame him, I just can't find anyone who can just help me through difficult situations. Even now when I need help when I called him I just had to put a mask on and pretend, and I felt like I always do, that I have to make him feel heard and understood instead of the other way around.

I'll delete this later, it's just that no matter who I talk to I always feel like I'm alone anyways.

People like the art that I hate and dislike the art that I think is my best work x,d

I mean, "dislike", my brain makes me think that if I get lower than 4.70 score on here it means people hate me personally and want to see my head on a spike. Although my last artwork did receive the lowest score I ever got and I actually really like that piece ;_;

I shouldn't care anyways but I sometimes do

ask a question and I'll pull out some cards for you