TBH helluva boss self insert

I wanna start making art again, I wish it would be fun again. (I know I made SOME art, but I wanna get back into it :( )

I still don't know if my desire to make my art appealing (to myself) is good or not, it went past a point of motivating me to a point where I couldn't stand drawing any more. But I feel like I CAN'T get rid of that feeling, so I assume it's just how I want things to be. And I've been thinking that one of the reasons it got so insufferable was because it felt like I wasted 10 years of my life and I'm still incredibly mediocre at this skill. But putting all the... personal issues aside. I never remember that I was so busy with dealing with other issues in my life I could hardly really even draw when I was a teen/in my earliest twenties.

Looking at things, there are still things I find difficult to grasp when it comes to anatomy, I still haven't figured out the best art style for myself (in terms of my own comfort of creating art more than it looking a certain way, although that counts too) and I dunno, I think I just looked at this the wrong way. I obtained friends recently (crazy), I've been able to be heard in a supportive environment for the first time in my life really and it opened my eyes on a lot of things, and how I was busy. As a teen. And it is unfair to assume that I'm just "not good enough to be an artist" I was severely depressed :,D so I should really learn to give myself more passes (especially if it would help me... not give up on things)

I might just make fanart for a while, or whatever I feel like. Vargskelethor Joel does little art segments on his streams and seeing all the cool art really made me want to make more art lol, so that's why fanart (but I've been thinking of League of Legends too... as I always do lol)

Legit I never had a grilled one this naturally good, no salt, no pepper, nothing added and recently I bought some weird ass bread that was literally called "cheetah bread" bc it has darker spots on it, and this is legit the tastiest fucking bread I have ever eaten. I don't even eat bread usually and this bread was for my brother to eat, so it's a miracle I even tried it myself.

The cheeses were delicious too, I combined a smoked gouda with some american cheese, and it was so salty and DELICIOUS!

Sometimes, god makes you buy weird bread you weren't even going to eat so you can make yourself a good fucking grilled cheese.

DRAWING IS FUN HAHA HIHI I AM EXPERIENCING FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAST THE I WANT TO LIVE SPELL!!!!!!!111

Anyways, no, I still don't know how to play DnD, what DnD is, but I am making this character in hopes someone will tell me eventually. He is an Eladrin Elf, his default form is spring. Also he's a bard sorcerer. Does this make sense?? Did I do this right???

My ex college classmate took me out today (which is not my bday but it is a day after) and she bought me a pizza and a cool rock (aquamarine) and another friend of hers bought me a cake piece from my favourite cafe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BEST BIRTHDAY EVER ACTUALLY

I forgot I'm not allowed to get excited nevermind.

So my father came back home (he was gone for a month because my mom lives in a different city because of work), he came back on my birthday and gave me a box of chocolates (A GOOD ONE!) and now he's taking me to a restaurant for a birthday feast :DDD

You have no idea how happy I am because I was expecting.... nothing. And the thought of having nothing on my birthday always scares me, because having my favourite holiday tainted by a lack of worship and admiration would be horrible....

And food is literally the best thing ever, and I'm getting soooooooooo much food on my birthday :)))) day good.

MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My absolute FAVOURITE holiday is birthday, because what can be cooler than celebrating the fact someone was BORN??????????????? LIKE IT'S SO EPIC???????????????? I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after I made that last post I was feeling rather sad, as one would.

But after I felt sad all day and I sat on the toilet (sorry for the details but that is what happened lol) I started just passively creating all of this world building and game mechanics in my head as I was watching a video on youtube, I actually thought of a very cool spell and some of the cultural implications of that spell (long story short, my magic system is split by elements, and one of these elements gets a spell that can only be learned when you level up in skill with using that element, and it's one of the most dangerous spells in the world because it's so powerful it severely damages the body and the brain of a user, but when you master that element it can get much safer to use, even if it never is really safe to use)

I think what I would really like to do is develop these concepts for my game, no idea how on earth am I ever going to make this a reality but for now it's not about that, it's about me trying not to make everything about survival so I can just enjoy things in life.

But yeah turns out I'm not creatively doomed maybe lol.

This post is mostly for myself to let this off my chest lol

So yeah, I have never been drawing as frequently as I was a few months ago when I made this account, I have NEVER in my life (or at least since I was a really small kid) been able to release art so consistently before and for such prolonged period of time.

I have watched a very interesting video by DougDoug, who was apparently also a creator on Newgrounds once lol, and he told this story of how music was HIS thing but he was never enjoying it or could never get as good at it as people around him and this hit so fucking close to home to me. I tried enjoying making art SO hard, I tried to get good at it even harder, but no matter how hard I tried, my anatomy looks stiff and wonky, my art is unpolished and lazy looking and rushed because I always had to rush it, I had to sweat and work hard to make barely anything of value. And I'm not saying it because my art is "bad" it is not, it's mediocre. It is good enough. I am saying this because what I was making had no value to me, it never brought me joy, it never was something that I ever really enjoyed doing. There are things in making art that I do enjoy (for example I really enjoyed making these two character reference sheets that were my first two posts, and the map but not for art related reasons, more because of the story telling) , and I am not planing on stopping making art, but what I need is a COMPLETELY different approach that better suits who I am and what I feel comfortable with.

To be honest as I'm writing this it is very hard for me still to see where the line is between depression and mental illness and genuine disinterest for me, so I am unsure still how to proceed with this information. I might still try to apply to art college and see how it goes? (I can always explore more options after all).

At the moment even making thumbnails was very uncomfortable to do for my videos, but that might have been because I massively overworked myself with making these in general lol, I released 1 hour videos each 2 times in a span of a week (+ 2 days)

So basically, I WILL be back, but I'm not following any schedule. For the first time in my life, due to fortunate life events, I am able to think clearly about who I am and what I want to do, so I will be doing just that.

It's so weird to just admit to myself that the thing I was doing for 11 years that I wanted to turn into a career never really was for me, at least not in a way that all the other artists are doing it, and how I was forcing myself to do the same stuff because how else do I use art right? If not being an artist.